If you have kids, at some point, you’re going to experience that lovely moment when they start losing their teeth and their minds. Hopefully you’ll be lucky and get a stoic and silent child who accepts this change in their dental status with grace and aplomb. If you’re like me, you’ll have at least a couple who view it as an international health crisis and can’t eat or sleep for three days, in which case you should congratulate yourself on your good fortune in raising dramatic geniuses and get them into acting classes posthaste.
The first thing to remember when that tooth starts to wiggle is not to panic. You may be tempted to start tying strings and slamming doors, but let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks to get a thread around those suckers. They are slimy and tiny and children are notoriously good at staying still. Some people recommend steady wiggling to get the tooth out, but that can be boring and predictable. We have found the quickest and least traumatic way to get out teeth is by letting your children go about their regular business until they fall and maim themselves naturally. A good bike accident, an end table, or a bathtub are all excellent teeth removal devices. If you get lucky, you might take out a couple extra teeth in the bargain and really get a good haul. There will be a little blood and a little screaming, but don’t let that put you off; it will make a great story later. Just make sure the tooth fairy gives a little extra compensation for these more dramatic tooth extractions to properly motivate the child to try it again when they have another loose tooth down the road.
If all this sounds like a lot of fun, just remember that the easy part is now over. Once the crying has stopped and the blood has clotted, your kid will remember they are entitled to some monetary reward, and now you have to A) Figure out how generous your tooth fairy is and B) Make sure your tooth fairy isn’t a lazy couch potato who forgets to do her job. This is harder than it appears. If you want to set your child up for a lifetime of entitlement and unrealistic expectations, make sure your tooth fairy is paying at least fifty dollars a tooth plus a king sized candy bar to make sure those brand new adult teeth come in ridden with cavities. If you want your child to feel unloved and mortified on the playground, a dime and a taffy wrapper should do the trick. If you are striving for something in between, spend at least a few hours polling the neighbors and your social media networks, have a few serious conversations with your spouse, review your budgets, consult your local clergy, and then give them whatever change you can find laying around the house at midnight. My favorite go to is Chuck E. Cheese tokens I found in the couch.
Now, once your tooth fairy is prepared with the booty, you may find she falls asleep while she is waiting for your little angels to pass out. Morning comes, your hopeful tot comes and jumps into bed with you with tears in their eyes and tells you that their greatest fear has come to pass: their tooth did not magically transform into cold, hard cash, and their little world is crumbling. You will feel guilt. You will feel panic. But never fear, you still have options before you to right this great wrong.
Option 1- Tell them the true identity of the tooth fairy and make them get their own money out of your wallet. Or send it to them on Venmo, because who has cash anymore? Let them have cookies for breakfast to make it up to them. Parent of the Year. You’re golden.
Option 2- Tell them the tooth fairy is only human. Suggest that maybe she had the flu or an unusual number of children lost their teeth last night. Suggest they try again the next night. Make up wilder and wilder excuses every time the tooth fairy forgets, and when you finally remember three days after setting five alarms on your phone, make sure the tooth fairy leaves an elaborate long note detailing their exploits and the reason for their lateness. This will delight your little honeybun and possibly motivate them to write back multiple times asking the tooth fairy long involved questions that no one knows the answer to. It will be a magical experience.
Option 3- Ask them if they looked really hard and send them to their room to rummage around for a while. While they are gone, magically find some money and a note under your pillow or on the kitchen counter or buried in the sandbox. Tell your child the good news and laugh together at the poor, confused, silly tooth fairy.
Congratulations! You have successfully navigated your first lost tooth experience. Have a chocolate and a soda, you deserve it. And just remember: only 19 more baby teeth to go! Unless you were silly enough to have multiple children. Then I just can’t help you, you dug your own hole. Start saving your quarters, friend.
