If you are reading this blog because you want to know how to raise perfect children, you should probably put your phone down slowly and go google it. There’s a lot of stuff out there for you, really good advice that will make your children Ivy League scholars and models of deportment and Mozartesque musical geniuses. Of all of the thousands of blogs and books and videos that could help you have perfect children, this is probably not one of them.
Hey sports fans. If you've never met me personally, you may not know that I'm a huge March Madness fan. We get the whole family in on the fun. We hire newborn photographers to take tender artsy black and white photos of Baby's First Bracket. My two year old has a medal for out-performing his entire extended family. It's serious business. If you aren't having your kids fill out March Madness brackets, you absolutely should be. Many, many studies that…
People like to congratulate us on our cleverness in having a perfectly split family: three girls, three boys. We planned it, naturally, and we like to sit around at night judging people who have gender disparity at their house. They really should have thought it through before they had three or four of the same kind of human in a row, you know? It's only responsible. Sometimes I like to stop them on the street and point it out to…
Hey friends. Are you recovered from Daylight Savings yet? Trick question, there is no recovering from Daylight Savings until it hits us again in fall. Every parent knows Daylight Savings was invented by someone who has no children, doesn't know any children, was never a child, and isn't quite sure what a child is. It's okay Daylight Savings people, we know you never had a chance at getting this right. But in light of the great debate right now about…
Hey friends. I'm here today to talk to you about a very important topic. If you have a lot of kids who spend a lot of time keeping you a lot of busy, there was probably someone to blame for that, and that person is your spouse. In my case, when I got all baby hungry and crazy and said "Let's have a million children right away", I was really counting on my level-headed, responsible, intelligent husband to be the…
Occasionally, I get the idea in my head that it would be nice to take my kids on an outing. I know, I know. I have a college education and still I manage to fall for this delusion every time my kids have a random day off of school. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, I suppose. You can't blame me completely for my vain hope that someday it will be the right decision. After a few hours…
Madeline: (Banging her rubber hammer): I call this meeting of the Warner Sleep Committee to order! Quiet everyone! Danny: I object! Madeline: Sustained. Everyone try to lower your noise level to dull roar and keep your screams to once a minute. Now you all know why we are meeting today. It is imperative we plan our sleep schedules for the next quarter, to minimize the amount of REM sleep our esteemed parents are receiving each night. For we all know,…
If you have kids, at some point, you're going to experience that lovely moment when they start losing their teeth and their minds. Hopefully you'll be lucky and get a stoic and silent child who accepts this change in their dental status with grace and aplomb. If you're like me, you'll have at least a couple who view it as an international health crisis and can't eat or sleep for three days, in which case you should congratulate yourself on…
Once upon a time a girl met a guy and they decided to get married. They were pretty happy for about two months and then the girl said to the guy, “I have this great idea. We’re poor college students with no money, no house, no real jobs, and no experience. Let’s start making babies as fast as we possibly can!” The boy loved the girl very much so he decided this was a great idea, to the general befuddlement…
The scene: A distress call comes in from a typical suburban home, indicating an unknown number of hostages are at the mercy of a three year old dictator. Due to the volatility and past record of the three year old, the authorities send in their ace negotiator: Mom. Ethan: I want a drinkable yogurt right now or everybody here is going to regret it! Mom: (approaches slowly with her hands in the air) Hey there, Ethan, how are we doing…
Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Or condolences, depending on whether you’re currently able to hold down normal human sustenance. One of the most exciting parts of birthing a small person is getting to pick out the moniker by which they shall be known for their entire existence. It’s a fun, thrilling, creative, tortuous and unnerving process. No pressure. Just make sure it’s the perfect blend of unique and normal, professional and approachable, beautiful and exotic and good for every day.…
