Once a year the school district deems it advisable to set my kids loose for a week to enjoy the “spring weather” or some such thing that doesn’t happen in Utah. I actually don’t think this is a terrible idea, if only because it makes summer vacation a week shorter. That is, I think it’s a good idea until my children are actually at home, with me, and no one else, for an entire week, expecting many many tons of food items accompanied by non-stop entertainment. Then things get a little desperate.

Apparently there exists in the world of social media many mothers who are profoundly grateful to have long, uninterrupted, quality time with their children. They planned outings and vacations and crafts and playdates. I aspire to be like them, so I tried planning an outing. My kids told me checkups at the doctor’s were not their idea of a good time. I felt they were being a little ungrateful, since they did get lollipops. And a followup appointment at the eye doctor. It’s the outing that keeps on giving!

I don’t want to go down in history as the worst mom ever, though, so I have been trying out some other amazingly awesome activities this week in hopes of bringing my children joy. Tell me what you think:

• Cooking all their least favorite meals so they have a chance to complain about it. They love to complain about hating the meals I make. I know this because they spend more time doing this than actually eating the food, and that kind of dedication comes from a deep seated passion for a beloved hobby.
• Losing their charging cords so they can learn to share the television for screen time. Because they all love the exact same shows. And failing that, they love taking turns, as long as they don’t have to go first choosing the show. Because they are givers.
• Letting them all sleep together in each other’s rooms so they can spread all their germs more easily (because if they’re puking on spring break they’re not missing school! I’m a thinker)
• Teething. Because it should be a family activity and the kids are great at finding novel objects for the baby to chew on. Especially objects that have been laying around on the floor for a few days because they understand the importance of puking on spring break and they like to further the cause.
• Playing an exciting new game I invented where we all pick up fifty objects at various intervals through the day and hide them in closets and toy bins to see if the toddler can find them and return them to the floor in their exact positions, building speed and memory skills. The toddler is very good at this game. We’re all very proud of him.

Impressive, right? I mean, I’m going to have to come up with more for a whole week of break, but so far this has been filling our time nicely. If it keeps going this well, maybe next year we’ll see if the schools can give us two weeks for spring break instead of one. And if we keep that trend going we can can get summer vacation down to two, three days tops. That’s what I call a win.