Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Or condolences, depending on whether you’re currently able to hold down normal human sustenance. One of the most exciting parts of birthing a small person is getting to pick out the moniker by which they shall be known for their entire existence. It’s a fun, thrilling, creative, tortuous and unnerving process. No pressure. Just make sure it’s the perfect blend of unique and normal, professional and approachable, beautiful and exotic and good for every day. No pressure.
If that sounds a little overwhelming, just breathe. I’m going to help you out. I have a foolproof process, a decision making tree to ensure your baby ends up at least not hating you too badly for totally ruining his/her life. For this. They’ll probably blame you for messing up something else about their life, but I’ve only screwed up my own children a finite number of ways, so there’s only a limited number of mistakes I can warn you about.
First off, no matter what naming style you might be inclined to, don’t make the rookie mistake. You’re going to want to reach out to your network. You’re going to want input and support and ideas and feedback. RESIST THIS IMPULSE. Do not call your mother. Do not get lunch with your bestie. For heaven’s sake, do not throw it out on facebook. Hide your baby name books when company comes over and tell your spouse you’ll discuss names when you have to put in for the birth certificate to get your kid into kindergarten. (Kidding. You can presumably trust your spouse. Unless you can’t, in which case there is always homeschool.) You get the idea. No talking about baby names with outsiders until you have a baby to hand over. Let me tell you why: People have opinions. A lot of them. And people are not inclined to keep their opinions to themselves. They’ll tell you stories about every guy they ever knew named Frank and what they thought of him, all the nicknames for Elizabeth you never thought of, all the ways to spell William that no one has invented yet. It’s hard enough to find a pool of names you and your partner can start with, what with ex-boyfriends and third grade bullies and that third cousin who always seemed off. Do not take other people’s naming baggage.
Great. You’ve cleared one major hurdle already. Now, you need to make a list of names you might like. Go crazy. Look for inspiration everywhere. Read books and watch plays and write down your favorite flower (Dandelion is a lovely name for a boy). Make sure you have a lot of fantastic options. Now, go exchange lists with your partner and cross off any names you don’t love while they do the same to yours. Perfect. Now, since there are no names left on either of your lists, both of you should go find some new inspirations and try again. You might have to repeat this process a few times. (And now maybe we can all just take a moment and appreciate why baby names have gotten so weird- I mean creative- over the ages.) When you get tired of making lists and then burning them and setting off those darn smoke alarms AGAIN, go find your original list and promise each other you will only veto names you absolutely loathe. Find the one name that appears on both your lists, settle, and VOILA! You have named your baby. Now go make a list of middle names. (It’s okay, you can take a minute to cry first. It’s all good.)
