Occasionally, I get the idea in my head that it would be nice to take my kids on an outing. I know, I know. I have a college education and still I manage to fall for this delusion every time my kids have a random day off of school. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I suppose. You can’t blame me completely for my vain hope that someday it will be the right decision. After a few hours of togetherness at home on days when our government sees fit to keep my kids home but not their dad, we quickly reach a point of mass hysteria where we rationalize that the only cure is taking us all to a new environment. Preferably one someone else has to clean up at the end of the day.

If this cheery description makes you, too, desire to take your little munchkins into the public arena, you should know that you must plan carefully to make your day out on the town a rousing success. Never fear, having done it many times, I can confidently tell you that if you follow my step-by-step instructions, you too can boast that you left the house and survived.

Step One: Preparation

Many rookies skip this step and go straight to step two, but this is the most critical step in the process. Preparation ensures you will leave the house with a false sense of hope and self-assurance that you can remember later when you try to explain later to people why you thought it was a good choice. Budget 2-3 hours to gather socks and shoes (matching is discouraged), coats, sunscreen, diapers, food, water, pepper spray, money, paper and pens for apology letters, medications, toys, books, movies, leashes, blankets, comfort animals, strollers, phones, friends, homework, toothbrushes, job resumes, road flares, and extra batteries. If you are planning on being gone more than an hour and a half, add other survival gear as you deem necessary.

Step Two: Loading

You should plan on 30-60 minutes to get everyone in the car. Ideally, you should have been telling your children to get in the car every ten minutes throughout the preparation phase just as a teaser. They will likely doubt your intent to actually exit the premises until you actually get into the vehicle and start the engine, at which point there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, as well as a sudden run on the bathroom (whichever facility is closest to the car. You might have five bathrooms, but they will all find it necessary to stand outside the one that is occupied and bang on the door. This is good because it promotes family togetherness.) During this mayhem, start bodily hauling the children one by one to the car, being careful to start with the smallest ones who can’t unbuckle themselves first so they don’t escape while you continue your hunt for the other wildlife. You may find it’s easier to lure them if you toss sugary snacks onto the seats and then slam the door on the hungry kiddos once they are inside.

Step Three: Picking a Destination

Sometimes when we reach this point, I like to forgo actually going anywhere and just drive around in circles while all my children are forcibly and legally restrained and listen to them criticize my choice of radio stations while I relax for a bit. This is a perfectly good afternoon plan if it floats your boat. But if you’re ready for even more adventure, there are several great places to set your clan loose on the world. If you’re feeling a good game of tag, take them to a local store and try to get some errands done. If you feel like you’d really like to be sick for the next month, go to the local children’s museum and let the baby suck on various exhibits. For broken arms, head to the local park, preferably one with monkey bars. If you want to clean up multiple spilled sodas while your kids get bitten by other kids who haven’t had their rabies shots, try your local fast food play place. If you want to get in some exercise, hit a local theater with stairs for some killer cardio for 90 minutes. The possibilities are really endless if you have a good imagination and enough children.

Step Four: Going Home

You’ve had your fun, but at some point, you’re going to have to pack up the circus. You’ll know it’s time when at lease 43.2 percent of your kids collapse on the floor and start practicing synchronized screaming. At this point, you should make sure you brought your quadruple stroller so you can throw all their stuff on top of it and push it with your foot while you carry two or three of them and drag another back to your vehicle. It’s best if half of your children desperately want to go and half desperately want to stay, because then you can teach them great character building lessons about the unfairness of life while you are dragging them to the car. Multi-tasking parenting win!

Congratulations. You have lived through an outing with your kids! You probably should just pick up pizza on the way home for dinner because ain’t no one got time for cooking after a monumental feat like that. You may wonder if you should ever leave home again. Not to worry. At some point, one of your kids will probably chuck a shoe at your head and with any luck, you’ll develop a little short-term amnesia. You’ll need it for the next school holiday when you’re debating whether that new splash pad is worth a gander.