The scene: A distress call comes in from a typical suburban home, indicating an unknown number of hostages are at the mercy of a three year old dictator.  Due to the volatility and past record of the three year old, the authorities send in their ace negotiator: Mom.

Ethan: I want a drinkable yogurt right now or everybody here is going to regret it!

Mom: (approaches slowly with her hands in the air) Hey there, Ethan, how are we doing today?

Ethan: Stop! Don’t come any closer! I don’t like you! I want Dad!

Mom: Dad would love to talk to you. We’ll see what we can do. I’ll get the president on the phone right now and ask him to declare a national holiday so we can get dad here from work. We don’t want any trouble. But in the meantime maybe you can tell me about your problems.

Ethan: I’m only going to talk to Dad. If anyone else tries to talk to me, I’m going to draw on the curtains with permanent marker!

Mom: It’s alright, stay calm, no one wants to make you talk to anybody against your will. We just want to stay nice and calm so no curtains get hurt. Is that okay?

Ethan: I want stuff. Lots of stuff. I want your phone and three cookies but I want you to say that it’s two and I want to pour my own milk and change my own diaper!

Mom: Well now Ethan, I have to tell you, changing your own diaper might be a dealbreaker. But we can certainly talk about the cookies. But if I’m going to convince the powers that be to give you those cookies I’m going to need something from you as a sign of good faith. Maybe you could put your pants on.

Ethan: I will not put those pants on! Those pants are the devil’s color! Bring me my green pants I’ve worn three times this week with all the stains! Then we’ll talk.

Mom: radios backup: (Madeline, can you go look in the dryer and look for Ethan’s green pants? But do not, I repeat, do not let him know I washed them or that you touched them.) To Ethan: I am certainly going to get those pants for you as soon as possible. In the meantime, maybe we can talk about picking up those crayons you dumped out four days ago.

Ethan: You are the worst mom ever. I can’t believe you would ask me that. Do you want me to scream really loudly and break everyone’s eardrums? I will! Don’t push me!

Mom: Okay, Spencer, you pick up the crayons.

Ethan: Nooooooooooooooo! You knew I wanted to pick up those crayons! Now I have no choice but to poke the baby in the eye. You brought this on yourself.

Mom: He’s moving on the hostages! We have no choice but to use force. Send in Dad. Move move move:

Ethan: Oh, hi dad. I’m tired. Will you put me to bed?

Mom: It’s a trap!