Hey all. After a long summer hiatus, my little minions are back in the hallowed halls of learning and we can be friends again. Maybe. Hopefully. The problem I’m discovering is that with the older children in school, there’s no one to tattle on the little ones when they get creative while I’m goofing off doing silly things like showering or folding laundry. This has resulted in some fun messes, like pink nail polish hair for the baby and spice snowstorms in the entryway for our guests. Therefore, I have deemed it advisable to take a refresher course in child-proofing my house and because I am a nice person, I’m going to share my wisdom with you in case you, too, find yourself hanging with genius toddlers all day. You’re welcome.

Now let’s be forewarned: This is not a beginner’s class. I assume you know you’re supposed to lock up the cyanide and invest in a baby gate if your backyard opens onto the grand canyon. (You can google helpful lists of the basics if these examples are blowing your mind. Please, google some lists if these examples are blowing your mind.) No, my lists are for the advanced parent who has spawned particularly talented and devious offspring and needs to get ahead of the game if they want to keep their house standing. If that sounds like you, you’ve come to the right place.

1. Valuables: Kids love shiny things. Kids also love anything they are told not to touch. So, if you have anything of financial or sentimental value it is best to take steps to make sure they don’t end up in the u-bend of a toilet or in the neighbor’s window well. A quick starter list of items to gather: jewelry, loose bills, expensive shoes, glassware and china, fine art, makeup, laptops, lightbulbs, photo albums, family pets, televisions, cell phones, cars, babies, carpets, etc. Invest in a large safe, maybe a safety deposit box, a storage unit, or a summer home, and lock those suckers up for the next 10-15 years. This will ensure you someday will have nice things for the grandkids to ruin.
2. Art Supplies: Toddlers have great imaginations. And once they’ve seen older kids creating artwork, they are going to want to make some of their own. So make sure all drawing implements and crafting supplies are stored in a safe place. We like to keep ours in the trash can. Kids are resourceful, so be thorough- crayons, pencils, pens, paint, glue, glitter, paper, pom poms, beads, yogurt, eyeliner, nail polish, sunscreen, crisco, toothpicks, jelly, toothpaste, dirt. Maybe just don’t buy food for a while.
3. Liquids: Let me make this easy. No liquids. Turn off the water main. Remove all the faucets. Bathe in the river. Send the kids to the neighbors for a glass of water. Just say no to H2O.
4. Entrances/Exits: Kids can be expert escape artists. Basically, parenting as a gig can be summed up in the idea that you are responsible for making sure they are not standing in the road begging to be run over by an ice cream truck, and if you succeed in this, you have succeeded in life. Conventional locks are child’s play to a determined four year old. Deadbolts are better but still cake with a step stool. Those plastic child locks for the door handles will keep YOU in easily but your toddler can likely break them with a withering glance. Therefore I recommend going all in for the safety of the future generation. Install a safety latch. Install a sliding latch. Install a keypad. Install a retina scanner. Install a moat. Get a dragon. You can’t be too serious about your kid’s safety. You’ll never be able to go anywhere ever again, but that’s not too high a price to pay for peace of mind.
5. Cleaning Products: This is a trick category. With toddlers you will never have a clean house again, so you really don’t need this stuff. Problem solved.
6. Scissors: These you’re going to want to leave out to promote experimentation and cognitive growth. Your toddlers will naturally invent and discover and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how they contribute to family morale. They might cut triangles in the back of every shirt in their wardrobe so they’re hip and trendy, or give their sister mohawk bangs on the back of her head that make her stand out in a crowd, or cut your screen time down by cutting all the charging cords in the house, fostering family togetherness and conversation (very loud, passionate conversation that may bear resemblance to yelling but totally isn’t because you would never do that.)

That should be enough to get you started. Really, if you follow these instructions completely and correctly, you should have a completely empty house which the kids will love because they can run around knocking into walls and jumping on each other’s heads. If it seems a little complicated, there is a shortcut. Remove all the kids and doorbell ditch them on Grandma’s porch. Boom. Childproof house. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.